What I Learned in 2019

Happy New Years

I know i have been gone for awhile but it’s been for a good reason.

The reason being a lack of inspiration, motivation, and pure laziness. Experiencing a lot of change last year from moving to a new city, adjusting to work life, and finding time for myself and loved ones left me feeling exhausted and drained.

So, when 2020 rolled around, i was thinking “ What do I want to accomplish this year, this decade, this month?”

I was so overwhelmed with the thought of what I wanted my life to look like in a couple of days, months, years, that I just shut down and extended my break into January.

I know what you’re thinking “ Why are you so worried about the future?”

Well, social media.

I’m constantly bombarded with picture perfect pictures of happy people with their cute kids, thriving careers, and loving marriages. And I want the same. I want that life.

I know I’m only 23, but that’s like 7 years from 30.

I only have 7 years to get that life.

And that’s what’s been stressing me out. It’s that “ Am I doing everything in my power to have that life?”

In all honesty, I’m doing great for myself at 23 but am I extremely happy? No.

And that’s what this post is about.

In 2019, I made incredible moves from graduating college, starting my first full-time auditing position, moving into my first apartment with my college sweetheart, to getting engaged to that said sweetheart. 2019 was an incredible year for me, nonetheless but there were still struggles.

I acquired a lot of credit card debt (hey, at least my apartment is fully furnished now :) right?) , i did have a stint of depression from a lack of social life in San Antonio, and lastly, wedding planning stress. While, to some, this is just a part of life and might not be too big of a deal but to me it was.

A lot of people talk about going through seasonal depression and feeling all alone, which I can definitely relate to since that was me from October to December. Although, I was laughing, keeping up with people, I was still not ME.

I took an unexpected break during this time from writing, from filming, and the things that made me ME.

I traded those things in for binge watching tv shows about women who had their stuff together and seem to know the keys to success.

Sitting down and watching these shows helped me to realize that everyone has dealt with feelings of inadequacy, depression, and unhappiness.

It’s a part of life and for people who make you feel bad for not being happy all the time or not being grateful (and I sure am, God knows my heart) but there are moments when you feel like you’re supposed to be doing more or be at certain stage in life by a certain age.

For example,

I have this dire need to have cute kids, a perfect marriage, and thriving career by 30.

In 2019, I realized that picture perfect life, that dire need, isn’t as perfect as it might seem, even the pictures on instagram are edited and touched up to look perfect.

For example,

I can seem all put together, an apartment, a job , engaged, and have bomb set of friends and family but that necessarily doesn’t mean I am happy but if you see my instagram you wouldn’t be able to tell.

After taking January to regroup and reorganize, I’ve realized that I would rather talk to you about my moments of unhappiness as much as I talk about my moments of pure joy because that’s life. It’s a mess, it’s a rollercoaster, it’s a gift.

I’m learning to focus on the positives, to not compare, and to be happy in the present moment because the time we have right now is fleeting. It’s only a matter of time before the good LORD above calls us home.

And for me, I want to leave a legacy behind that didn’t succumb to the pressures of the world, but made the most of what was given to me. I have goals to be the best at what I do, to inspire the next generation, and to leave an imprint on this world.

So, in 2020 and the years following I will do my best to live up to my own expectations and not of others. I will do more of lifting myself up and others around me. i will control the people in my own circle and chuck out the ones who don’t possess the same positive and supportive energy.I will make time for the people who matter, and be more transparent to you and the people that love me so dearly.

Lastly, I will promise to never portray a picture perfect life and to always show the true picture before the edits.

So, 2020 I am ready for you in all your fullness.

Question is “ Are you ready for me?”

Leave a comment below of one thing you learned about yourself in 2019

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